Bernardo [90/91] ~ You want to house cmg?

Canada -- all I could think about was how far Canada was -- 5,000 miles away, forty-two hours of travel, three stops -- a whole new world. "Canada?" I repeated, still trying to locate myself. Raphael nodded his head, his eyes were red. That's good... it means they're willing to bet on you. Of course, that wasn't how I felt, it was just a generic speech I would give to any semi-stranger, I didn't want my boyfriend in Canada, I just didn't know what to say. "And for how long?" I asked. "Two years", he answered quietly. For two years, I repeatedly tried to absorb the new information. Two years away from Rafael, was it possible? Well, I was lying in bed talking. I stared at my ceiling, trying to figure out how to make this thing work, and what I felt was like a hole had been opened in my chest, and an immeasurable affliction had taken hold of me. "What do you think?" he asked clumsily. I think it's a great opportunity... I replied still a bit confused. It's not the kind of thing you can throw away. What would you do? You and I are different, Rafa... "You, with all your practicality and realism, what would you do?" he asked me seriously. I would go. If I had the same desire to live abroad that Rafa had, and the opportunity to realize that dream, I would jump at the chance. It's not a matter of missing out, obviously not. Life is made of choices, and my choice in that case was to go to Canada. In the same way that I made the decision to go to Paris three years earlier. "I think I would", I answered. - Just like that? It's never that easy. Do you think we could handle it? How often would you be free to come to Brazil? I think two or three times a year at the most. Spending six months without my boyfriend? Would that work? I don't even talk about the issue of fidelity, I trust myself and him, but I was afraid of the wear and tear that distance could cause in our relationship. On the other hand, if I told him "stay, for me", could I not be paving the way for a much greater wear and tear? Yes, because in the first fight there would be a "I lost that opportunity for you". "How long have you known about this?" I asked, and he was silent. It wasn't for nothing that he wanted to leave Belo Horizonte, and that he was afraid that Ricardo would steal from him. Since June. He finally spoke. Rafael sat down next to me on the bed. I didn't know how to tell you, but now that you've come to tell me about Ricardo living here, I'm really afraid of losing you. Only one thing still didn't fit into that story. "Rafa, no company would hold a position like that for three months for an intern, no matter how good he was". I said. My boyfriend's eyes filled with tears, which only confirmed my suspicion. You've already accepted, haven't you? He just nodded his head to confirm it was real Rafael was leaving for two years I rubbed my eyes hard which he knew meant I wasn't happy I'm sorry, honey, but my boss is pressuring me for an answer, and it's a huge opportunity, like you said. I didn't want you to ask my permission, I would never do that to you. I said what hurts me is you hiding for so long, communicating at the last minute like I'm nobody important. - I'm not sure. And all that talk about moving in together, was it just so I'd accept and then be tied to you, so I'd feel obligated to go with you wherever you dragged me, so all that talk about getting out of bra? I believe he didn't do it out of malice. In an act of desperation, he tried to embrace both things, me and the job. But even so, I felt angry, I felt betrayed by him. What hurt me most was to think that he only invited me to live with him because of the job offer. In my head, it was as if he only asked me to marry him so that I would feel obligated to go with him to Canada. Bernardo, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I..._ He started talking crying but I interrupted him. I need some time to think, Rafa. - No, Bernardo, I was... I'm not breaking up with you, nor am I asking for a break in our relationship. I said calmly. I just need some time to think about everything that's happening. - But you... Please, Rafa. He gave me a sullen, sad look, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. Rafael was leaving for Canada. And what was I supposed to do? Go with him? Wait for him? End the relationship and set us free? I had no doubts about the love I had for Rafael, in the same way that I did not doubt how the distance from him would make me suffer. Only, was it right for me to postpone my dreams at the expense of theirs? Was it right for me to put my life on hold for him to embark on this great opportunity? Any decision I made, could I move forward with the weight of the consequences? Rafa and I were in a wonderful moment of peace and tranquility in our relationship. As much as the idea still scared me a little, moving in with him was the next step. We were going to get married. And what is marriage? Isn't it just being there to support your partner, often postponing plans so that the other person can pursue his dreams? Isn't the meaning of being together growing up together? As much as I hesitated a little more, my decision was already made: I was going with Rafa, simply because parting from him was no longer an option. It was his turn and I would be there to support, as one day it would be my turn and he would support me. My decision was already made, but I was still upset with him for the way things had turned out, so I wasn't the most receptive when he called me the next day. I asked for time to think, Rafa. I spoke. I know, but I really need to see you today. I don't know, Rafa, I need to finish some things here. Please, Bernardo, this is important. I sighed in defeat and agreed to have him pick me up late that Sunday afternoon. "Where are we going?" I asked when I got into your car. To my country house. Oh, Rafa, it's far, it's getting dark, leave it for another day. - No, Bernardo, I swear it is important. Her eyes were begging me to accept, so I had no choice. Come. He spoke to me by pulling my hand. He turned on the lights and I came across a perfectly arranged table, with candles, flowers, and beautiful utensils. "What is that, Rafa?" I asked in surprise. He had a big smile on his face. He didn't answer me. Rafael led me to a chair, and then he went to the kitchen, from where he returned like a bottle of wine. How will you drive back? We're going to sleep here. But I have an early class tomorrow. Stop worrying about the details. He sat down and served us wine. "Then why all the pomp?" I asked. For me to do the right thing this time. - What do you mean? He turned and from the ground I saw him pick up a small bag and from it a small black box. When he opened it, I saw two wedding rings in mixed tones of gold and silver with our names engraved on the inside. My eyes widened and I became silent with fright. He put the open box on the table. I'll do it right this time, Bernardo. He spoke. Rafael took my hand and looked deep into my eyes before continuing. I want you to come to Canada with me, but not because it's more comfortable. I want you to come with me because I can't imagine being away from you anymore. I want you to come with me so that we have the opportunity to start our family in a place where no one will look at us from the side. I want you to come with me because things will only make sense if you're with me. He paused briefly as he stroked my hand. I'm not asking you to marry me because I want to tie you to me, force you to follow me. I'm asking you to marry me because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, here or in Canada. I was speechless. I already had that answer ready a long time ago, it was just to say that simple word. But since the same Raphael accused me several times, I can not get rid of the details. _We're too young._ I spoke with a voice bordering on despair _We have no money. You'll work there, but what about me? Not to mention that for Canada you need a visa, right? They already accept gay marriage, talking about it? Rafael knew me well enough to know that I was going to say yes, just that it was natural for me to have a foot in realism and point out all those problems. 'Yes, you need a visa in Canada, but you can get it easily. Like a job, they are very receptive to engineers. Money we earn, in addition to what my salary there we can already support. And, yes, gay marriage is accepted there since 2005.' he spoke. I remembered the first time he asked me out four years earlier: <unk>_I know your fears, I see in your eyes your doubts. But you have to admit one thing to yourself: you love me, and you don't want to live without me. You admit it yourself, but you are reluctant to believe it. Give me a chance to show you that we can face the world together. Bernardo, will you be my boyfriend? I don't know when I'll be able to be your boyfriend, Rafael, I don't even know if I'll ever be able to. I won't be able to hold your hand in public, much less kiss you. I won't be able to introduce you to my family officially. I won't be able to wear a wedding ring, because people will ask. So why make it official? To make sure you're mine. I'm yours, I've been yours for a long time. That's what dating is all about. Guaranteeing that the other person will be yours and no one else's. It has nothing to do with showing off the relationship to the rest of the world. So, Bernardo, I'm going to ask you again and this time give the right answer. Will you be my boyfriend? I think Rafael remembered too, because he smiled and said: So, Bernard, I'm going to ask you again, and this time give me the right answer. - Yes, you are. My life was forever linked to Raphael's, but wasn't it always? Rafael and I decided not to tell anyone about the wedding or about Canada, or even about the possibility of us living together after college. Only Alice and Peter knew about the living together part, but that was all the information they had. We agreed that it was better to take care of the details first, and only tell when things were more or less right. I was very nervous about everything, which made the task of keeping the secret very difficult. My thoughts were vague: now it was the fairy-tale life that Rafael and I would lead in Canada, now it was all the possible difficulties that we would encounter on the way. Starting with my family. I knew that everyone would be against me moving to Canada, even more so following a boyfriend. Theoretically, I would already be graduated and independent of them, but in practice I had a very strong emotional dependence bond with all of them. I tried to follow Rafael's advice and let myself worry about these things only when I had to worry about these things. The weekend after Rafael's request, Ricardo called me to invite me to the inauguration of his apartment in Belo Horizonte. My stomach tingled with the possibility of seeing Ricardo again, after all, it had been more than two years since our last meeting, at that fateful birthday party of Pedro. Rafael, however, was still not liking that story at all. I don't want you to go._ He spoke in a sly tone. We've discussed this before, Rafa, it would be grossly impolite to Richard. But he's your ex-boyfriend. And he's my friend, too. - But I don't know. In less than six months we're going to get married and leave the country, what else are you afraid of? I'm afraid you'll rediscover some feelings for him when you see him again. That's not going to happen, Rafa. It wasn't going to happen because I still loved Ricardo, I don't need to rediscover anything, it's just that I loved Rafael more, simple as that, but I wasn't going to explain that to my fiancé, the shot would backfire and we'd end up in a real fight. The Commission shall: My legs could hardly stand still as I climbed into the elevator of Ricardo's new building. It was sheer anxiety. When I rang the doorbell, he was the one who opened it. I'd seen pictures of him in recent years, but in real life it's always different. His hair was short and perfectly arranged in a bun, unlike when I met him, when they used to be messy and go down to his shoulders. He always left his beard unmade, but now she wore it perfectly aligned with his skin, almost non-existent. Other than that, he was just like I remembered him: tall, thin, bright grey eyes and those little wrinkles caused by his smile. Hi. He was still talking at the door. "Hi", I answered. We weren't talking monosyllabically out of weirdness, but out of pure fun, and in fact, we shared so much during the year that we were together that there was no way we could ever be just two strangers again, we were part of each other, forever. "Welcome to Belo Horizonte!" I said, lifting up a basket of cheeseburgers I had brought him. He laughed pleasantly at the sight of the basket and pulled me into his embrace. His scent was still the same, which only brought me more and more sweet memories. Maybe it was his intention, maybe it was just Rafael's paranoia infecting me. "How I miss you!" he said, kissing me on the cheek. - Hello to you too. - I answered by entering the apartment. But that ends now that we're gonna be neighbors. - It's the... I didn't have the courage to tell him that we would be neighbors for only a few more months. The apartment was large, but it still had only the basic furniture. He introduced me to his two roommates and then led me to the balcony so that we could talk in peace. I can't take you to my room. He was joking. Your boyfriend might not like it. He laughed without confirming or denying. Ricardo did not know the level of jealousy that Rafael felt for him, although he knew it existed. Not that we talked a lot about it, it was that during the time we lived together, we had long conversations about Rafael's personality, so that Ricardo got to know her well. In fact, even though I still considered Ricardo a friend, it was a strange, distant friendship. We talked occasionally on the Internet, at most two or three times a month. He would ask me general questions about Rafael and I would give even more general answers. Even if Ricardo had never declared himself to me again after that call, I thought that he still had strong feelings for me. In this way, I avoided talking about my boyfriend a lot for fear of hurting him in some way. Maybe because he also had that same kind of fear, we rarely talked about his boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriends, where's yours? Richard gave a half smile and shrugged his shoulders that he didn't know. In São Paulo, I guess. Things aren't going well? It's not working anymore. I'm sorry about that. I know it's a selfish feeling, but I have to admit that I didn't feel no. Ricardo deserved to move on, to find someone who could be his completely, what right did I have to cheer against? I was with Rafael, why couldn't he be with someone too? In the end, I think that's why we never regained that level of friendship that we had in Paris, even before dating: the remnants of jealousy did not allow one to like the other's new loves. No friendship goes forward if one friend is not cheering for the other's full happiness. It wasn't working out with Talles. I think we started to get tired of each other, you know? Then we finished college and fell headlong into super heavy work routines, which also didn't help. In the end, we hardly saw each other and we hardly wanted to see each other. But we ended well, without fights. - I'm sorry. - I said it again. He seemed like a nice guy. And yes, he was a wonderful guy. Modesty aside, the guys here are beautiful. "I know!" he replied laughing. "By the way, do you have any friends to introduce me to?" - No one your size. That's what makes it difficult. There was no one who could match Ricardo, and I don't think even I could match Ricardo, he was just too good to be true. But if you want to have fun, I said I can take you to parties around, introduce you to the gay night in Belo Horizonte. I was never much of a nightclub person. Loud music and people yelling at me was more my definition of hell than fun. However, in those two years of dating Rafael, I ended up getting to know the gay night more deeply. This was natural to happen because we often wanted to dance together or date in public without fear of being hurt. Gay nightclubs and bars ended up being our stronghold, although we also frequented heterosexual environments from time to time. In the end, just by being in a gay relationship, you already put yourself in a ghetto, no matter how much you didn't like that ghetto. It was inevitable. It was also interesting how many gay people we met from the moment we came out, not that there was a mass coming out after Rafa and I came out, I think we just paid more attention to them and they paid more attention to us, and I also noticed that every year there were more openly gay freshmen coming in, and I'm not even talking about affection, I'm talking about people who don't have the patience to sustain a character for five years, as I always intended to have done. All the new people who met us and found out that we were dating had four possible reactions: first, people who didn't like it and would find a way to get out of the way quickly; second, people who were surprised, pretended to take the situation well, but turned away at the first opportunity; third, people who accepted it, I lost count of how many drunk girls at a college party hugged us and shouted, "You're beautiful!"; and fourth, people who thought it was a party and had already screwed up. It happened sometimes, more with boys than with girls. They punched hard in the face, sometimes with the two of us together. I don't know if people still thought that gay relationships didn't fit with monogamy, or if they just wanted to seize the opportunity to grab one of us without seeing the other. That was exactly the kind of thing that I talked to Ricardo about during that time of virtual communication -- nothing very specific about our love lives, but nothing too generic, like "Is it raining in São Paulo?" "I'll like it". Richard replied. "After all, I only have three friends here: you, Alice and Peter". "And who else do you need?" I joked. He laughed, glanced into the apartment to see if anyone was listening to us and spoke lower: And the guys are just acquaintances of mine, not friends. I came to live with them because the company paid the first three months of rent. But I want to find a place of my own, you know, give my face to the apartment. So it's not just the season, you're here to stay? "I've barely arrived and you already want me to leave?" he laughed back. - Of course not! - I answered laughing too. No, it's not a season. I'm really fixating on Belo Horizonte. I have a lot of room to grow within my company here. I couldn't think of how that would show another setback in my life: Ricardo moving to Belo Horizonte, and me moving from Belo Horizonte. "So can we make an appointment for next weekend?" he asked. Of course, I'll talk to Rafa. I answered automatically. A shadow passed through Ricardo's eyes, and he soon tried to disguise it with a half smile. I regretted it at the same time. It was obvious that Ricardo still felt something for me, although I didn't know if with the same intensity as in the past. And in the end, it was Rafael who took it from him. Although Ricardo and Rafael never actually fought for the heart of the maiden who speaks to you, they always put each other in the position of antagonist. "It will be great to see you again", Richard quickly corrected to try to disguise the strange weather. Where was I with my head when I was willing to put Rafael and Ricardo in the same environment? All the shit last time didn't teach me anything? But now the invitation was made. And I could never even suggest to Rafael that I was going to a gay nightclub alone with Ricardo. My phone vibrated with a message from Alice: Can you come here to the house? This kind of message from her always distressed me, because she always refused to reveal the reasons for the request for help by message, only personally. Almost always it was just another fight with Pedro, but still I was worried about the doubt. - Ricardo, I have to go to Alice. - I told you. - But we're going. I'll call you, all right? We won't lose contact again. Especially now that we're neighbors. I laughed. "Just for six months, Ricardo", I thought. The Commission shall: Hello, Bernardo, Alice's mother spoke when she opened the door for me Alice is feeling a bit sick, I think she has a sore throat. Thank you, I will. I was already home, no one else accompanied me to Alice's room, or even thought it strange that we were there with the door closed, although she had a boyfriend. I entered the room and found her all curled up in bed, with her back to the door. I called Alice. Are you having a bad time? No. She spoke in a low voice and turned to me. At first glance, it might seem like she was sick, but I knew her well enough to know that wasn't the case. "What's the matter, Alice?" I asked worriedly, sitting down next to her. Ah, life, how it is full of surprises... When would I imagine marrying another man and moving out of the country? When would I imagine attending gay nightclubs? When would I imagine suffering the dilemma of trying to reconcile my fiancé's jealousy and my friendship with an ex-boyfriend? Do you remember all those plans I had to marry a woman, have my children and lead a quiet life? Where are those plans now? Where has life taken me? And this is a lesson I learned after a lot of beating my head around: don't make too many plans, you'll frustrate yourself with life by destroying every one of them. Look at Alice, for example, do you think she planned to fall in love with a guy like Peter? Alice was never meant to shine alone, to be a self-made woman, and Alice was always meant to rule the world in an irreversible way. Alice came to my life, and everyone, including me, came to a simple phrase that changed my life. With a weeping voice and tears streaming from her eyes, she told me what was troubling her in that way as if it were the worst news in the world: I'm with child.