Beyond Appearances: Finding Your Own Way.

Dear newspaper,
It's free today, aff...
Today is Tuesday, February 5, 2008, 11:45 p.m.
I was reflecting here, and I feel the weight of the choices to sustain my life as a luxury escort, and I realize how far I've drifted from my old friendships and values.
I go on: every encounter, it has forced me to perform acts that go against my will and leave me disgusted and deeply uncomfortable. Every day, it is a challenge to deal with the darkest desires and fantasies of my clients. The fact that I have to lick the anus of horrible clients. The fact that I have to have anal sex with men who do not arouse any desire in me. The fact that I consent to the ejaculation on my face by men of the age of being my father or grandfather ... All this, daily, leaves marks on my mind and on my psychology.
It's distressing to deal with the reality that most of my clients are in relationships, some are even dating or married, and even more disturbing to realize that most of them are in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and I realize that I've lost count of how many men I've transitioned, and many of them are just looking for sexual gratification, while others are just yearning for my company.
It's hard to deal with the reality that the vast majority of my clients are rough and rude to me in intimacy. Sometimes I feel like a commodity, used only to satisfy their wildest desires. Every day I suffer some kind of violence, the brutality of the beatings and the lack of delicacy of many of them with me, only increase my sense of despair.
But, I cannot deny, my diary, that money has been a strong temptation, and the ease with which I can earn it has been an incentive to continue on this path.
I remember the innocent dreams of a naive youth, replaced by the harshness of reality and the loss of my identity, those dreams that have no return, of finding true love and marrying a virgin, but now it's hard to accept the transformation that has occurred in me in so few months.
My way of thinking, dressing and behaving has changed dramatically. Sometimes I show my vagina to taxi drivers, I barely recognize the person I've become. I've drifted so far from my ideals that I can barely recognize myself in the mirror, even when surrounded by pleasure-hungry customers.
I need to find a way to reconcile the two sides of myself -- the woman I am now and the girl I once was. But in the meantime, I continue on this dark path, waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beginning to realize the psychological weight of these negative experiences and fear the scars they will leave on me. I need to find a way to deal with all of this before it's too late. I feel lost and confused, wondering who I've become and if I'll ever be able to regain the innocence I lost.
Friend of the day,
It's become apparent that today, I'm feeling a little sad and that I've lost a very important client, and that's not making me very excited for the rest of the week.
Today, I had an appointment with Mr. Philippe, a wealthy 59-year-old man, (our fifth date) who opted for my most expensive package: two hours of dating, dinner, Nuru massage and, subsequently, fiery sex, including anal sex and facial ejaculation.
I was contacted by Mr. Felipe's secretary, Marcelo, who set the meeting for 9:00 at a luxury hotel near Avenida Faria Lima.
After the shower, for the occasion, I capriciously chose a short black dress and white heels. I arrived at the hotel by taxi at the agreed time. I was beautiful, daily, scratching my heels, parading while holding the handbag. I soon realized that Mr. Philippe was excited to see me enter the restaurant.
Gently, Mr. Philip pulled the chair back, stood up and went to greet me, kissing my hand. <unk>He asked if I was okay and if the trip had been quiet? <unk> I stated that everything was perfect, then the client pulled the chair for me to sit at the table.
The exquisite meal, the imported wine, the conversation and the company of Mr. Philippe up to that moment were perfect and satisfying.
After dinner, the waiter served us some hot coffee, after which we left the restaurant and went upstairs with his security guard, a tall, strong black man, dressed in a black suit, with the appearance of few friends. We went up to the top floor of the hotel, where our nocturnal adventures would begin.
20th floor. Room 2062. When Mr. Philippe's security guard opened the door, my client and I walked in, I was stunned, there were rose petals, white and red, scattered on the floor and even on the bed. On the bed, there was a box of Swiss candy with a rose on it. I was stunned by all the care he had taken with me.
<unk> All this for me? <unk> I asked, smiling non-stop, with such affection, thanking him without grace.
Mr. Philippe, pleased with the effect it had on me, asked if I had enjoyed the surprise as I untied the tie of his suit, and visibly smiling timidly. Still struck with so much affection, I decided to thank him in the best way. I began to kiss him on the mouth and lead him to bed. As he lay down he took off his tie and shirt, I undressed the underwear, starting with the pants, then the underwear, the socks and the brown shoes.
When he was completely naked, Mr. Philippe rested his head on the pillow, so I asked him to relax, enjoy my kiss.
I continued my work of pleasing him. I sucked the man's penis continuously, he began to breathe faster, gasping, as if he was having a bad time! I took the stick out of my mouth and asked Mr. Philip; was everything okay? If he wanted me to stop, and he said it was fine, telling me to keep sucking.
I continued to suck it a little apprehensive, the penis and the balls. After a while working with the mouth and hands, the client asked to suck me. I obeyed lying on the bed still dressed, with the heels on my feet. He did the kindness of stripping me all, leaving at last my threaded underwear. I loved it!
Mr. Philip licked me with subtlety, starting with kisses and went down, where he spent a while on my breasts, continued through my belly, passing through my navel, until he reached my "little boy". With his oral experience, I could not help but laugh, daily, my whole body trembled, rs. After making fun of me with his delicious tongue, he continued licking my thighs, legs until he reached my feet. Then we went to fight!
It wasn't in my plan, but at the last minute, I decided to take a chance and have sex with him without a condom, hoping to get pregnant, because I understand the risks I took, with sexually transmitted diseases, but I tried to take a chance and fuck it...
I went on sucking him a little longer until his dick was at the point of penetration, and I went over, riding, rolling deliciously on his member for a little while, no hurry, with him holding my breasts, then my thighs, my hips until we stopped, while I turned my back, and I went on with my work, riding, with him poking his left thumb into my ass.
Near the ejaculation, the client wanted to grab me on all fours, poking at my sketch. While Mr. Felipe was poking me, waves of pleasure took over my body, and as I knew he wouldn't last long, I began to ask for more pokes, saying that his cock was the best in the world, that I would allow him to enjoy in my vagina. Visibly shy, Mr. Felipe preferred to make fun of my face, and said: "I felt very pleased to make fun of my face". I acted normally, after having my face hit by his mockery.
Then I continued to suck him strangely, he asked me if I wanted to get pregnant with him? <unk> I answered; if he wanted, I would gladly get pregnant with him. Mr. Philippe became thoughtful, looking at me, looking to the sides. He sat on the bed and put his arm on my neck, (as if I had been hugging me). Subsequently, with the other hand, he held his penis and asked me to continue sucking him.
I was startled and started sucking him again. While he was sucking, he would stare at me, press my head, forcing his penis further into my mouth. He would groan and say nothing. I rubbed my hands on his balls to see if he would say anything beyond that disturbing silence. Mr. Philippe got very excited and slapped me lightly in the face, calling me a "little whore", questioning the fact that I wanted to embarrass him.
I decided it was time to risk it all, and I asked him if he'd like to have sex. The old man agreed, first he kissed me, then he went over on "Mommy and Daddy". When he tried to stick me in the vagina, his penis was simultaneously softening, and we couldn't have sex.
The client lay down beside me, and he was whining about missing the H-hour. I suggested that we take a shower, and then drink some wine to relax. He, obedient, got excited, we got out of bed, we went together, took a shower with kisses and caresses.
We had wine sitting on the couch, me in a white robe, him in a white robe with red, and it was great talking to Mr. Philippe, because he had no shortage of experience.
After enjoying the wine and conversation, I began to prepare the setting for the Nuru massage. First, I made sure that the bed was firm and comfortable, with soft lighting and relaxing music in the background.
Then I asked Mr. Philippe to take off his robe and lie on his stomach on a soft, moist white towel that I had prepared. He was obedient and went to bed excited. Carefully, I began to apply the body oil on his back, using gentle, delicate movements to spread it over the entire length of his body.
Then I climbed into it, where my hands and my body slid over his skin, you could feel Mr. Philippe's tension begin to dissipate, replaced by a feeling of relaxation. The massage was a unique experience, involving not only touch, but also the sex between us.
As he lay on his back, and as time went on, the intensity of my masturbation on his penis also increased, and I could feel his penis vibrating and his excitement rising, every movement was calculated to stimulate the senses and arouse sensations of pleasure in him, but he was not amused, he was able to hold on.
At the end of the massage, with Mr. Philippe lying on the couch, our desire intensified as I climbed into him, beginning with fiery kisses and caresses, where he struck me with a strong intensity, our bodies plunged into a frenzied rhythm of sex and madness as we indulged in the pleasures of the flesh.
Every thrust, every movement of my waist, was an expression of the uncontrollable desire that burned between us, taking us to new heights of ecstasy.
<unk> Daily, then, came the moment when we performed fiery anal sex, with a mixture of nervousness and excitement.
It was necessary for us to get off the couch and go together kissing to bed, where I was four, offering to Mr. Philippe my anus in a position of total surrender and vulnerability. He went behind me and approached carefully, aware of the importance of the moment, and began to gently caress his penis on my butt, then on my ass, conveying excitement and nervousness.
With skillful hands, he applied a generous amount of lubricant to my penis and anus, ensuring that every movement was not uncomfortable. I focused on relaxing, allowing my body to surrender to the pleasure that was to come. He entered slowly, carefully and gently. Then Mr. Philippe began to accelerate the pumping, tracing in me a path of groans, which awakened unlearned sensations.
He was so cute, and I started asking for more stockings, and he was so obedient and generous, and he was pushing me hard, and every touch, every scratch of his skin against mine, was an expression of the desire that burned between us, and sometimes he'd just stand there and I'd lead the trance, and he'd make his penis go into me and roll around in circles.
When I got tired of standing on all fours, I lay down on my stomach, he continued to position himself on top of me, pumping me willingly. I felt tense and excited at the same time. He pulled my hair, with a quick and gradual movement, and began to penetrate me, and pull, penetrate me, and pull, penetrate carefully so as not to hurt me.
As we progressed, the sensations intensified, driving us to madness, Mr. Philippe demonstrated a unique skill in the anal act, treated me cordially, ate me deliciously, guided us to a splendid ending, which left me speechless.
At the end, when Mr. Filipe expressed his desire to ejaculate out of my anus, I dutifully stood in the indicated position, bending my ass for him to mock, allowing the client to complete the arrangement with an explosion of joy.
After a heated session of anal sex, we were both exhausted, soaked in sweat, and given over to the feeling that the moment had given us, and I felt flooded by his amusement as Mr. Philippe rubbed his penis into the entrance of my vagina in an attempt to prolong our encounter.
I encouraged him in the attacks, wanting more of that overwhelming pleasure that only he could give me and in the attempt to ejaculate in my vagina. However, daily, I soon realized that his strength was exhausted, that he could not continue. He withdrew the stick from my "little girl" and the exhausted bed, leaving me there alone, with a sense of duty fulfilled.
As we parted, Mr. Philippe abruptly informed me that this would be our last meeting. I felt surprised and confused by this unexpected statement, eager to understand the reasons behind his decision.
I tried to get explanations, but he eluded me, taking a quick shower and getting dressed even faster. He made the payment, folded the cash register, and left with his security, leaving me alone in the suite, immersed in thoughts. The truth is that I screwed up everything in an attempt to seize the old man. And that was the reason why I could have led him to this sudden decision.
I'm left with regrets now, about the directions my life has taken, the clients I've built up over time and the wrong actions that made me lose an important client.
<unk> What can I say, daily: <unk> Uncertainty about the future hangs over me as I prepare to face the challenges that lie ahead of me. <unk>
With sadness, see you later,
It was Fernanda.