The Story of Betinha - Part 07 (Final)

Hey people, here's the final part. Writing my whole life like I'm doing here has become a therapy, something extremely soothing. I've never told my story in the environment that I currently live in, nor have I talked about the relationship that I had with Anderson and its end extremely painful for anyone, whether in the environment that I live in now or in the previous ones. I had said in the penultimate part that I graduated from college and became a soldier. Here's a curious question. The memories of the sexual acts I had with women (Part 06) brought me a gigantic feeling of gender confusion. I began to get used to being a man and the constant impressions of wanting to be a woman are no longer continuous, but still come up often. Thinking about deepening the masculine identity I had the incredible idea of joining the Military Brigade. Yes, I had thought that everything that had happened to me was a sign that "God was guiding me to be a man". Although I am no longer an Evangelical, no longer going to the Evangelical Church, the Christian thought still appears in my mind. Yes, I was on my way to "heal" and I was supposed to help the process. I studied and joined the Military Police Force to become an Officer. It's as if I regressed to a less tolerant school environment. With no knowledge of militarism I entered and became one of the most buffalo military that existed at that time. The formative years were years of challenge, of tremendous mistakes and poor fit. Little female traits, coming from the past, were still noticed by the military colleagues. In the self-defense class, in the judo class and immobilizations, I had to think several times to undo my conditionings from when I had transsexual relations. It was very strange to ride on a guy to give punches instead of having sex. I don't know how, but at no time was I excited in the practice of immobilization (I think the context helped), but I found it very strange and uncomfortable. I remember that in the dormitory room there were 12 of us, and I slept on the bottom of a bunk that creaked a lot. Of all of them, I was the most fearful and embarrassed. The higher officers of the academy constantly sent their subordinates (my superiors) to chase me and make me "sign the body". In the room of the barracks, among the 12 soldiers, I remember to stay away from the male jokes of my colleagues. But they understood, even a few tricks, and joked with me insinuating that I was gay. Once a colleague, who did not sleep in the same barracks, left me in doubt (in front of all my confused manner) and said: "Beto, you played with a doll and dreamed of being a woman". I do not know if he was right or just messed up and coincided with the past. The strangest thing of all were the first times I showered in the locker room after P.E. class. The first time I was ashamed and just stared straight or at the floor. The shower was extremely fast, even though other soldiers were waiting. There was the "nem suei" class, those who, with the excuse of the line and the tight time, didn't shower after P.E. class. I became part of this class because it was more convenient than the hassle of showering in the middle of all those naked men. After the P.E. teacher released, I always slowly went to the locker room just to let everyone form that line before me. So I had an argument for not showering. In the races (running and singing military songs) I always thought at the same time: "Wow, where did I end up!" In the barracks room there was a soldier who most provoked me with his homosexual jokes, playing beyond the limits of others, as if he wanted to find out something about me. One day he was getting dressed in front of me (it was common, only I was going to the bathroom to get dressed) and he grabbed his own penis (inside his underwear) and swaying said to me: <unk>Look here, can you stand?<unk> On this day, there were about four days when I did not masturbate secretly in the shower (putting a finger in the ass and rolling) or in bed (belly rolling) and fell in provocation saying: <unk>try anything?<unk> There was no one else in the room and he pulled the penis out and I lowered the trousers. He stuck the penis on my ass and said <unk>what a good thing to eat. I was afraid of being a vulgar reflection, but it was a mirror. It was in this that I saw one of the most bizarre things in my life. <unk>I thought I was a fool, I saw myself in the mirror and I said, I'm not a criminal. <unk>I've seen a reflection coming out of my ass. <unk> A feeling of revolt and frustration came over me, I was "a man". All day long I was haunted by the image in the mirror and I was getting discouraged. But I came to the conclusion that I should accept and work on this aspect. I also thought that what made me different from all the other soldiers was that they automatically had in their minds the knowledge that they were men and I had (and still have) the impression at various times that I was a woman. This creates an imbalance. I always thought that a trained man doing no work is extremely ugly, ridiculous and pathetic. I struggled not to look like that. I went to the gym to work hard to improve my form and observe and imitate some men (to suppress any vicious tendency in me). I was able to graduate and was sent, in aspiration, to a city in the interior of the state. In this city the battalion commander urged us to work hard and willingly. So I did, but on one of the first occasions the excess of "vibration" almost led me to kill a tramp. Around 5 pm on the radio network came the information that a woman had just been raped. In the car that I was in they had two squares, a second sergeant and a soldier, the driver. Passing through one of the highways that cut through the city, already at the beginning of the countryside, I saw a guy with the same characteristics and clothing of the rapist. We stopped the car and I shouted "Stop, police". The guy ran through the woods skipping the fences and wires. We also ran after him and asked for support for a siege. The guy ran really hard, and I pulled myself together to run more. From a distance, the rapist had similarities to those guys, those devils, who raped me when Anderson took me into the woods, into the cave. I kept running as the sun went down and darkness fell. Even with all the gear, like vests, body belt, pistol and handcuffs, I managed to catch up with the guy. I put my hand on him and we started fighting. Immediately, he managed to knock me down, and when I held him down, all that terrible memory of the past, of the rape, came back to me. My strength doubled down and I managed to reverse position and I hit him in the face several times. The rapist came out with his hand extended, saying, "I lost it, sir", but I didn't hear it, and I kept hearing the sound of blood flowing and a lot of zombies, until he died. Then I got up on my side, and I stood up, and I went to catch up with the guy. I put my hand on him, and we started fighting. Immediately, he managed to knock me down, and when I held him, all that terrible memory of the past, of the rape, came back to me. My strength doubled down, and I managed to reverse position, and I hit him in the face several times. The 2nd Sergeant asked me if I was okay, and I said yes, and then he said, "You're young, don't do that, sir. I received congratulations from the Lieutenant Colonel, commander of the Battalion, who ordered me to carry out the request for the reward for the arrest. I did not do it, because I believed that if it were not for the Sergeant I would be in prison for having killed a man (or a trash) already dominated. In spite of the uniform, I once bought some underpants to wear at home in plain clothes. Living alone, I also bought lipstick. One day, in my spare time, I bought carrots and tied them to a pillow, putting a condom on the carrot and butter on my ass. In my underpants I closed my eyes, remembered the old caps and galloped around imagining myself a woman. This still continues at various times. Being able to have sex with women and get pleasure in this way, according to the time of college, made me build up courage and start a relationship. I married a woman a little over a year ago, and several times I slept with her, now remembering my female sexuality (which makes my organ very hard) and now with the technique of the empty mind (which is not so hard and takes longer to have fun). When I'm having sex with my wife and reminiscing about the past, something strange happens. Before and after making fun, I can't tell if my penis is hard or not. But when I meditate with an empty mind and just observe the sensations, I get focused and feel from the bubbling in the penis to the ejaculation. It's the male sex bridge being used, but it's much less efficient than the previous one (maybe because I learned earlier). Well, that's my story. It's not over yet. Sometimes I think about changing careers, finding a man for my wife to marry and leaving happily. So I could start hormone therapy to become a woman. But other times I think I'm doing very well as a man and that maybe the female temptations will end. I don't wear panties anymore, but part of me thinks one day I'll wear them every day, part of me wants to eliminate all that. I continue my life and at some point I will come to some mental consensus, where there will be peace being fully man or fully woman. Science, God, or who knows what, will give me a light. We still have a lot to live and I present here my story up to the present moment. I hope it will help many of the girls and boys who, like me, have dramas, desires, traumas and happiness as in this my story. A big hug and as the crazy beauty says, in case you have tried and not succeeded, <unk>try again<unk>.