Good news, bad news

July 2010 brought me a feeling of agony. I was about to start my last semester of college. Another six months and I'd be out in the world, ready to start my life away from the nest. As much as my degree gave me good job prospects, finishing college is always a leap in the dark. You never know what the next step is. I decided to leave this feeling on standby to celebrate my anniversary of dating Rafael. To celebrate our two years of dating (we didn't count the first time we dated), we decided to use the internship break and the college vacation to travel to Gramado. I knew from other times that I escaped there with my family when we visited my grandparents, but Rafael was really delighted. What a beautiful city! Did you like the idea of taking a walk? I love that! It was the beginning of the night, and we were walking side by side along the main avenue of the city. It was very cold, but that only added to the charm of the place. "Wouldn't you like to live in a place like this?" he asked. I don't think that's the case. - Why not? I wasn't born to live in a small town. "But you live in Belo Horizonte, the biggest little city in the world!" he joked. I know, I know, but I don't think you'd like it. I'm talking about this climate, this sort of European thing. So you're asking me if I'd like to live in Europe? - Yes. - He spoke with laughter. No, I think it's very nice to visit, but I don't know if I could live here, I'm very attached to my land and my people, Rafa, and I don't know if I could leave it all behind. "Not even Paris?" he asked provocatively. Even Paris, as good as it was, I knew I'd be home in an hour, it wasn't an indefinite stay, Paris for me was an extended vacation. It wasn't the first time that Rafa played out in the middle of a conversation his desire to live abroad. He had this crazy dream of traveling around the world, living for a while in each place and then choosing a place to settle. I didn't share this idea. Despite everything, I loved my country, I loved my city. It would be cool to travel around the world, but for short periods. I'm one of those people who loves to travel, but loves to come home. This was one of the questions that denounced the way Rafa and I always thought differently. Rafa's sister had a big age difference to him and soon after high school he moved out of the country. My in-laws have always been the greatest example of what paternal freedom without exaggeration would be. They raised Rafa free, ready to explore the world. That is, all of Rafa's upbringing took him to that point, to travel and discover new places and cultures. I, on the other hand, grew up in a large family that's always visiting each other, and I may not talk about my uncles and cousins here, but I have a lot of contact with them, at least with my father's family, and I had my siblings, and even though we weren't the best of friends yet, we'd become very close over the past two years, and I didn't want to break that bond now. So I was agonizing when Rafael started talking about this. I knew that as soon as we finished college, he would come to me with some invitation. And I still didn't have an answer to give him. It wasn't lack of ambition on my part at all. I was an intern at a large contractor, while Rafael worked in a mining town near Belo Horizonte. They were huge companies, with great possibilities for both of us to grow, without going too far from home. But what did Rafa want? "Are we done here?" he asked, pointing to an Italian restaurant. Let's go, then. We walked in, and we were very well served, we were two guys alone in a fancy restaurant in one of the most romantic cities in the country, you don't need much extra information to understand that we were a gay couple, but we were treated just like any other couple who walked in, and it wasn't even a question of these people not being prejudiced, maybe they were, it was a question of them being well trained to serve any type of customer, even the ones they didn't like. That's what I'm talking about. In Belo Horizonte, everyone would be looking at us right now. We are treated well as tourists in a city where everyone is trained to treat the tourist like a king if we lived here, we might be treated worse than in BH because it's a small and conservative city Yeah, maybe... but you don't deny that in Europe we'd be treated well even if we weren't tourists. - It is possible. And he had this complicating factor: prejudice. When we admitted that we were dating, Rafa saw all his friends turn their backs on him. He felt in his own skin the weight of the evil looks and the silence as he went through a conversation. Even though he hadn't really collapsed with it, the whole situation affected him very much. And many times during these two years of dating we were also victims of those looks, although we never got over it. He longed for a place where he could leave those visions in the past. So two years ago, your Bernard._ He spoke with his finger on my wedding ring._ Who would have guessed? "Who would have thought... that you had so much faith?" I asked jokingly. I even had an inside bet: who was going to jump out first, me or you. But against all odds and all odds, here we are. - We are here. Forever now. "Forever", I said, toasting his glass of wine. The waiter served us some Italian pasta that made us puffy from so much we ate. Since it's a small town, we walked back to the hotel talking. It's not a comparison that should be made, but it reminded me of my night walks with Ricardo in Paris. You know, I was gonna wait for the right time to ask you this, but I don't think there's a more perfect time than right now. I was a little afraid he was going to ask me to flee the country with him, but I tried to relax and not think about that possibility. I spoke to him face to face. I want to take our relationship one step further. What are you talking about exactly? "Bernardo, do you want to live with me?" he asked with a smile. My first reaction was to be paralyzed. Not that I had any doubt that he was going to ask me that one day, he just didn't give any sign. But wasn't that what I always dreamed of? Marrying Rafael and living together with him? What else could I say? "Of course I want to live with you, love!" I answered, pulling him into a kiss. We even forgot that we were in the middle of the street, even though the clock had already left the night empty. "Really?" he asked in ecstasy. - I mean it! We shook hands and walked back to our hotel holding hands. "How are we going to do that?" I asked. It was taking too long... he spoke with his eyes rolling and smiling. - What? You and all your practicality. That's a fair question, is it not? I don't know, Be, after we graduate and become effective, we start to do the math and find a little place to rent. I don't know if he emptied these things really thinking that I didn't catch the indirect ones, or if he was waiting for me to touch on the subject to seriously discuss his plans to live away from Belo Horizonte. I didn't bite that bait. Okay, so, Mr. Dreamer, I said we'll work it out over the semester, but for now, you have my "yes". And that's all I need right now. It's something you learn after a while of dating, to avoid fights. Why start another fight on the same subject, in which we never got anywhere, and ruin the moment? As they say, what can't be remedied, is remedied. I walked into our room with Rafa kissing me on the back of the head, and although it wasn't very extravagant, it was a special room with a big, inviting bed, and we decided to spend a little for the occasion. Rafael knew how to drive me crazy with his beard grabbing my neck as he kissed me and his firm hands gripping my waist. In the same way, I knew it drove him crazy when I took control of the trance. So I turned around and started slowly undressing him, piece by piece. Rafael was getting heavier in the workout, which didn't make him very muscular, but firm and defined. And as a good ex-fat guy that he was, he loved his new body, but nothing over the top. He wasn't the type to trance looking in the mirror, but he liked me to admire him carefully, passing my hand and squeezing his legs, his arms, his chest... and that's exactly what I did. Come here, come. He spoke pulling me to the bed. He took off my clothes as carefully as I took off his. He climbed up and kissed my body until it reached my mouth and exchanged a fiery kiss. He turned on the bed and we stood side by side doing a 69. While I sucked his dick, with my finger I played in the entrance of his ass, which I knew he loved. In the same way, he knew how I farted when he swallowed my whole dick in a deep throat. - Let me fuck you, go... - He spoke out of breath. I'm all yours! He turned me over on the bed and left me upside down. He lubricated my butt and his dick and was penetrating carefully. He knew that position was painful for me, so he waited for me for as long as it took. When I began to groan softly and move my body slowly under his, he understood the signal and began to pump. First slowly, then accelerating until we made fun of each other. That was one of the fruits of a relationship: we both got to know each other's bodies and desires so well, that we were able to go straight to the point on the issue of sex. Come on. He talked about pulling me into the bathroom. He knew that I would practically pass out after mocking him, so it became a ritual of ours that he would almost carry me to the bathroom after sex, and the bastard would still put me in the cold water to wake me up faster. Rafa, please. "What?" he asked as he washed. Do you realize we're at peace? - What do you mean? We manage to overcome or at least move on with our problems with our colleagues and our families. There are no more third parties running around. Sometimes we fight, okay, but have you noticed how much less frequent it is? I guess we've grown up. And we're moving on to the next step. I said as I hugged him in the shower. I can't wait to be able to sleep and wake up with you guys for the rest of my life. We were more aware of our roles in the relationship, our own flaws and our own desires, and we got to the point where we were able to understand each other as well as ourselves, being able to avoid arguments or speed up the fun, and now, more than ever, I saw us as a couple of lovers in the truest sense of the word, and living together was the inevitable next step. Don't get me wrong, because it was peaceful, it wasn't monotonous. Even though there was no longer that initial magic of dating, we were also going through a very enjoyable time in our relationship. Today I know that back there in Gramado, we were living the calm before the storm. For better or for worse, the next six months would be the fire test of our relationship. Live together? 'said Alice. 'Are you sure? "Are we ever sure before something like this?" I asked. And you're going to jump into the void like that? I really do, and I think this is the natural next step in our relationship, and my fear is that it's going to end up doing more harm than good. And you're willing to take that risk? "I think so". I said, unsure. Even though I had accepted Rafael's proposal to move in together after we graduated, I still wasn't quite sure that we were doing the right thing, even though I really wanted to live with him. I don't think my fear denounced anything deeper, like a discredit to our relationship. I think it was a very natural fear, the fear of the new. In addition, there was the additional fear of Rafa asking me to move with him away from home, although he hadn't yet touched on the subject directly. But that part I didn't tell Alice. What about you and Peter? I asked. You've been dating even longer than we have. If he asked you to live with him, would you accept? "I don't know, I don't think so", she replied thoughtfully. - Why? I like him very much, you know, but that's not all that matters. I don't think Pedro is mature enough to get married. Who's talking about marriage? You, whoa. What is living together? Do you think it's a piece of paper that makes a marriage? It's the day-to-day, doing the calculations, dividing the tasks, learning to live together. When you date, after a fight each one can go to his corner, not in marriage. The two of you are stuck between those walls alone, with no room for the "let me give you a little time". She was right, Rafael was proposing to me. Not that he was aware of it. Once again, it was the contrast of our personalities, the realist versus the dreamer: he saw the romance of waking up with his beloved every day, I saw the fear that all the things Alice had said would affect our relationship. "Why do you think Peter is not mature enough?" I asked. Because it's his face to sit on the couch and wait for me to make his dinner. "Isn't that a bit of a caricature of him?" I asked, laughing. "Maybe, but it's not an impossible scenario". she replied. "If he did anything like that, I swear I'd walk out the door right now and never come back". "Your relationship is an inspiration to me!" I said ironically. She laughed, but she got serious, and I knew her well enough to know that she was in no mood to tell me anything. - Alice, where are you? - What? Anything else you want to tell me? She made a face of grief. There's something I was told not to tell you, but I think you have a right to know. Now you've got me curious. - But I promised! Alice... is it something with Pedro? No, even though he knows it too. "Is it about Rafael, is he hiding something from me?" I asked, thinking of the hints he'd been sending me lately about leaving Belo Horizonte. Well, not that I know of. He's as transparent as glass, you'd find out anything he was hiding from you. In fact, I'm very surprised you didn't find out about his surprise party in April. Don't change the subject, Alice. You'll find out sooner or later, Ricardo is moving to Belo Horizonte. - What? I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds, in fact, I think my heart stopped for a few seconds. But... but... I was trying to get my thoughts in order. - Wow, he told me. You two talk? Sure, why not? Since when? Ever since we met at Peter's party, like, we're not the best of friends, we don't spend hours exchanging confidences, but we do exchange news from time to time. But why didn't he want me to know? Then you'll have to ask him yourself. He asked you to keep a secret from me, but not from Peter? The two of you talk too, he must have asked for a secret for him too. Do Peter and Richard talk as well? It's not because things are over between you that we have to exclude him, we like him, in fact, I think he started talking to us to find out about his life without having to ask you directly. And why didn't you ever tell me? Would it affect anything in your life? - But ... but ... Ricardo living in Belo Horizonte? It had so many implications in my life, that I could hardly organize my thoughts. I needed answers. I took out my cell phone, found his number and dialed. Peter told you, didn't he? Alice spoke, and I ignored her. Hello, he answered. It was always nice to hear Richard's voice, it still warmed my heart and reminded me of my time in Paris. It 's me . I spoke . - I know, Be. - He said laughing. So you weren't going to tell me you're living in Belo Horizonte? On the other end, he laughed. Who told me, Peter or Alice? Does it matter? No, it doesn't matter, I knew one of them would end up telling. Why didn't you tell me anything? I was going to speak, but I'm still packing, and I wanted to invite you to the opening of my apartment. We spoke less than two weeks before your birthday, you couldn't have told me. I was going to tell you, I was just hoping things would work out. Deep down, I was torn between the sorrow of not having been communicated, and the happiness of the possibility of seeing him again. The company I work for is opening a branch in BH, and they prefer to use the younger employees, the ones without family to drag along. And there I go. But I'm happy, it will accelerate my growth process in the company. Again, I was silent. The final move is next week, I'm still in São Paulo. I'm going to live with two more colleagues. And, of course, you're invited to our welcome party. And Rafael too, of course. I didn't know what to say to him, it still seemed crazy. _Bernardo, I have to hang up._ Said Ricardo seeing that nothing would come out of my silence _I have some things to settle, but I'll call you next week when I get there, right? That's right. I'll see you next week. I'll kiss you until... I hung up the phone and stared at the floor. 'So?' said Alice curiously. He's coming next week. Great, plenty of time for you to reflect on the matter and avoid awkward silences. - It's the... You know you have to tell Rafael, don't you? I know. I scratched my head. It didn't take any crystal ball to guess that Rafael wouldn't have the best of reactions. He was always very jealous of Ricardo, mainly because he knew how important he was to me. I didn't expect an immediate outburst of jealousy, but a constant tension in the coming months with the proximity of Ricardo. The Commission shall: That information was something that had to be said face-to-face and without outside interference, so I kept that conversation going with Rafael until the end of the week, and during the week, we didn't see each other as much because we had our internships, and we did college assignments in different shifts. He spoke while we were kissing. Sometimes, even more than sex, we'd love to make out quietly in bed, like we used to do in my room. I have something to tell you. He spoke with his head on my chest. I also have something to tell you... Go ahead, you can count first. I took a deep breath, sat down on the bed and mustered up the courage to tell you I wasn't guilty of anything, and I don't even know if there was anything there to be guilty of, but I was still nervous. You're going to find out, so I want you to find out for me. "What is it?" he asked frightened. Ricardo is moving to Belo Horizonte. It took Rafael a few seconds to process the news. When it happened, his face began to turn red. - What do you mean? His company transferred him here. "Tell me another one", he said, throwing himself on the bed in anger. - What are you talking about? It's only logical that he's the one who asked to be transferred here. Don't be childish, Rafa, no one wants to take anyone from anyone here, I've already told you that I've chosen you and I'll continue to choose you. But he'll try, and he'll end up getting in our way. His presence will only bother you as much as you let it bother you. - Of course, St. Richard would never be able to do that. - He spoke mockingly. All the jealousy that he had always felt for Ricardo came to the surface after a long time dormant. He arrives next week. I spoke after a long silence between us. And let me guess, you're going to be friends? I don't know if we can be friends like that, but I'd like to try. It was a topic that didn't do any good to insist on, Rafael had to get used to the idea little by little. What did you want to tell me, Rafa? All I heard was a whistle. "Why are you crying, love?" I asked worriedly and embraced him. "He'll steal you from me!" he answered in a broken voice. I cradled him in my arms and he pressed close to my body. No one's going to steal me from you. It took a few more minutes for him to calm down a bit. Is that better? He shook his head positively. What did you want to tell me? He took a long sigh. My boss said I'm being activated. "But that's great, honey! Congratulations!" I answered by kissing her. I didn't have to ask him to keep doing it. The job they want for me is in Canada. And for the second time this week, my heart seemed to stop for a few seconds, suddenly explaining all that talk about wanting to leave Belo Horizonte and the exaggerated fear of losing me to Ricardo. Like I said, the next few months are going to be crucial to my relationship with Rafael.